Thinking
Welcome to the lemus&co blog—your gateway to the innovative projects we’re crafting, the ideas we’re exploring, and the hypotheses we’re testing. Join us on this journey of discovery and growth as we share our latest insights and learnings.
#20: Take massive action by defining fears, not goals
I am going to share with you 5 steps and a 30 min meeting template to transform your team from making excuses to taking massive action.
One of the main reasons teams don’t take massive action during and after meetings is they associate the action with fear, often unnamed.
We don’t take action because we link it to pain
Here are common things I hear from the teams I coach. "I can’t do {action} because…
I don’t have the right team
I don’t have budget
my executives aren’t giving me permission.
I don’t have access to customers
I don’t have the right skills
Some of these things may be true but when we start our team meetings and workshops with these limiting beliefs, they become a self fulfilling prophecy. We link pain to taking action and nothing gets done besides the safe, status quo.
“Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right” -Henry Ford.
We crave innovation and new thinking from our teams. It is up to leaders to set the right beliefs and enable teams to push through fear to take massive action.
The antidote? Stop Goal-Setting. Start Fear-Setting
I first learned about this framework from Tim Ferris, American entrepreneur and investor, in his popular TED talk. Instead of setting future goals and hope we have the motivation to succeed, Tim advises us to dive deep into unpacking the fear.
We use fear to understand what might go wrong, how we can prevent it from happening, prepare for worse case scenarios and present the mind with upsides of taking action.
I have been using it for 7 years to push through my own personal limiting beliefs. I also sneak the language and frameworks into the teams I coach to get them to believe in a new a way of working.
Let’s unpack the 5 step process using a common work example: Sharing an unfinished idea with your customer
5 FEAR-SETTING STEPS
Example: Sharing an unfinished idea with your customer
Let’s use an example I experience daily at work: Sharing an unfinished idea with others for early feedback.
This can takes many forms:
a wireframe of a new product that isn’t quite ready that a team delays for weeks before sharing with their customer
an executive presentation that a team keeps hidden from their audience until they have a polished PowerPoint
a new process that is kept secret from internal customers until it is done and right.
Most of us are wired to not share with others until something is done. We grew up wanting to create A+ work before sharing it. Unfortunately, the opposite behavior is needed in modern organizations to de-risk the creation of new products, processes and ideas. We need to collaborate through multiple C- versions before getting to A+ work.
Most teams have the capability to create C- work. The issue is that most teams are afraid. Let’s use Tim Ferris’ 5 step Fear-Setting framework to get this team unstuck and into massive action.
Step 1: Define the worst case scenarios
The first step is to name the fear and really play up how bad it can get. In the wise words of Yoda: “Named must your fear be before banish it you can.”
Using my example above: What are the worst possible outcomes with sharing an early idea with a customer? Here are a few:
They absolutely hate it and tear it apart in an unproductive conversation
They call my boss and complain. I get yelled at. I never get a promotion. I get fired.
I damage my company’s brand. We are known for A+ products. I just showed them some C- shit. They tell all their friends, give negative reviews and my company goes bankrupt
Do these feel extreme? Not really. We all carry lots of fear when creating a change. Step 1 is to name it.
Step 2: How would you prevent it from happening?
Next, we take our Step 1 questions as brainstorming prompts.
For #1: How might we prevent customers from tearing apart our early stage ideas?
Idea: Before they “tear it apart”, we can set the expectations that our team only spent 1 hour on the idea and we need their help to make it better. Instead of us vs. them, it is a co-creation exercise so they can take the negative “tear it apart” energy and transform it into co-creation energy.
For #2: How might we prevent my boss from getting upset at me and damaging my career?
Idea: I have a meeting with my boss and reframe the sharing of early prototypes as a risk management process and that I want to save the company time and money downstream to increase credibility with our customers.
For #3: How might we share early ideas with customers without damaging our company’s brand?
Idea: We could hide the brand from the customer. We focus the learning about the desirability or usability of a product, service, or idea, not brand recognition. Hire a 3rd party researcher to protect the brand identity so it is blind to the customer.
—
Instead of sitting in the fear, we proactively design ways to overcome it.
Want to lead a Fear-Setting meeting with your team? Here is a free Fear Setting template + 30 min agenda you can run with your team tomorrow.
Step 3: How would you repair the situation if the worst case scenario happens?
Your brain still may be telling you…”But wait…all those worst case scenarios might happen!!!” Once again, these become discussion questions as a team:
A. What would you do in the moment if a customer tears apart your idea?
B. What would you say to your boss if they yell at you in a meeting?
C. What would you do if you damaged your company’s brand?
For A, perhaps you take ideas from Step 2 and get them to brainstorm new product ideas with you. Make the feedback about the ideas, not you personally.
For B, you could apologize and ask them for help on how to make the next round of customer feedback better.
For C, you could work with your PR team to run damage control on the few customers that are feeling squeamish about your brand.
Obviously, lots more ideas here!
Step 4: What are the benefits of an attempt?
Now, it is time to stop linking pain to action and start linking pleasure to taking action. What good comes out of making a small attempt?
The point here is to think about immediate, small wins that feel tangible. I can think of a lot with our example:
Increased speed in talking to customers for future rounds of research
Create small cultural change with my team and boss to reframe early prototypes as a risk management technique
Excitement of talking to customers
Reducing the burden of perfection
Making our product better, faster
Step 5: What is the cost of inaction?
Oomph. This one always hits home for me. What happens if our team doesn’t change? What is the impact in 3, 6 or 12 months from now?
Here are some examples:
we risk launching a product that nobody wants
We waste thousands of dollars in a launch
My team feels uninspired at work
Teammates leave the company
The cost of inaction is a powerful question to motivate a team into focusing the action to pleasure and possibilities!
Summary
The Fear Setting technique is an incredible framework for a team to address their fears head on and to shift their behavior from fear and pain to taking massive action that is pleasurable.
Run a 30 min Fear-Setting meeting
I made a simple Google Sheet template that includes the Fear-Setting questions and a 30 min agenda you can lead.
When are you going to send the invite to your team?
#19: How to be a better listener: The 3 Levels
I am going to share with you a framework be a better listener to increase your leadership skills.
Last week, I was in a meeting and I was fighting to speak. As soon as I started talking, a meeting participant was interrupting me with “uh huh..” “yup…” just waiting for the moment I took a breathe so he could jump in and say what he needed to say. I hear these phrases all the time:
“Let me finish my thought”
“give me 30 more seconds”
We shouldn’t have to fight to speak. Equally, we need to learn to give space to others to process and think.
Good listening is good leadership
Unfortunately, many leaders take up a lot of air time speaking. Instead, great leadership starts with actively listening to a team and understanding perspectives, pain points and ideas.
Want to learn to be a better listener? Learn about the 3 levels of listening and practice moving from Level 1 to Level 2 & 3.
THE 3 LEVELS OF LISTENING
Level 1: Selective Listening
This was the example I gave above and unfortunately, the level of listening that I see in most personal and professional environments. Instead of listening to what the other person is saying, we think about what we want to say. We zone out.
Level 1 Behaviors to Avoid:
Interrupting phrases while someone is speaking like ”uh huh…” “yeah, yeah, yeah…”
Notice when you stop paying attention to someone and are thinking about something in the past or future
Level 2: Attentive Listening
This is being present with your team and giving them your undivided attention. You are curious. You listen to each and every word they are saying.
Level 2 Behaviors to Practice
Ask a followup question to what someone has just said. Staying with them on their train of logic.
Practice discussion moderation tips #1: “What” Questions and #3: Synthesize Points
Paraphrase what someone said in your own words “What I heard you said was…” or “It sounds like….”
Notice when your mind is wandering to Level 1 listening and bring yourself back to Level 2.
Level 3: Insightful Listening
This is adding on more data to Level 2 listening and being insightful to what is not said in the room. You are noticing not just what people are saying but how they are saying it. Are they nervous because the pace of their words speed up? Are they potentially uncomfortable and using lots of filler words like “Ums”? Do you feel the energy shift in the room based on body language and your intuition?
Level 3 Behaviors to Practice
Observe body language. 90% of communication is non-verbal.
Practice discussion moderation tip #2: Surface Surprises and Tensions
Lead with a point of view, even if it is wrong. Based on your Level 2 and 3 listening, if you are sensing something, name it for the person. You might be wrong but it will help them and you accelerate the time toward clarity and understanding.
Summary
Great Listening is the foundation of any meeting and a fundamental leadership skill. Practice behaviors to go from selective listening to attentive and insightful listening.
#16: 3 wayfinding questions to keep meeting direction on track
I am going to tell you 3 wayfinding questions to make sure your meeting participants stay on the meeting path you designed.
People get off track as the meeting is happening
I see people get disoriented in meetings all the time. They are hesitant to speak up. Loud voices can derail the direction. Consequently, time is wasted, participants lose alignment on the issue at hand and engagement dwindles as people resort to multi-tasking.
This was glaringly evident in a meeting last week with hired “facilitators” from a top 5 global consultancy firm. Instead of skillfully guiding participants through the meeting's objectives, they merely projected their screens and took notes.
I had multiple people message me saying: “Well that was a waste of time” and “What were we even trying to do?”
3 questions to keep the meeting on the right path
Fortunately, as kickass facilitators we know how to guide teams toward a common outcome.
There are 3 wayfinding questions I ask myself to help vocalize a simple statement to make sure my meeting direction isn’t at risk.
Where have we been?
Where are we going?
Where are we now?
WAYFINDING QUESTIONS
The 3 Wayfinding Questions
1. Where have we been?
This can take two forms:
a decision that was made in a prior meeting
the synthesis of what was just done in the last X minutes in the meeting
2. Where are we going?
This can be both the broader outcome after you leave the room, giving a sneak peak of an upcoming activity or what you hope to walk away with at the end of a meeting.
3. Where are we now?
This is re-grounding the group on what is happening at the moment whether they are going to do an activity, open a document or start a discussion.
Examples from the past week
Here are two recent examples from working sessions that I facilitated.
Example 1: Brainstorming session, about 74 minutes into the workshop
“OK team, welcome back. We are about to get back into brainstorming (where we are now) but first , I wanted to remind everyone that the big user need we are solving for is Growth and Connection. (where we have been). We are going to be voting on our top ideas in about 20 minutes. (where we are going)
Let’s jump back into brainstorming!” (where we are now)
Example 2: Framing the start of a meeting after a tense previous working session
“Good morning everyone! As you recall, last week, we made the decision to focus on early stage prioritization of ideas to reduce downstream duplication of work. (where we have been) In the next 2 hours, we will have walked through 3 concrete examples to see if our new process works. (where we are going). To get ready for that, I want everyone to open up the Prioritization document in the chat window and comment on your top products (where we are now).”
Give it a try
Framing your wayfinding statement using the 3 questions grounds the group on the meeting direction and gives the group confidence on the direction you are taking them.
Ready to give it a try this week?
#15: How to deliver clear feedback using SQUACK
I am going to share with you a powerful feedback framework that you can easily implement at your next meeting.
Ever lie awake, replaying the events of that previous meeting in your mind?
We have all been there. Have you ever left a workshop scratching your head, wondering how it really went? Or found yourself drowning in a sea of ideas and suggestions with no way to organize it? Maybe you received a cryptic message from a key stakeholder and unsure how to decipher it.
Let’s change that.
Teams that know how to give frequent and effective feedback can build trust by working more effectively through team dynamics and iterate through ideas faster and more effectively.
Unfortunately most teams don’t know how to give and receive feedback
they don’t have effective feedback frameworks
they don’t know how to deliver the message
they don’t create the space in a meeting or workshop to collect the information
they aren’t clear on the type of feedback they are looking for
Today, we are going to focus on #1: a framework for effective feedback. SQUACK
The feedback framework
The SQUACK framework
Suggestion: A comment to make an idea, behavior or work product better
Question: An area that needs more clarification
User Signal: Where we have aligned or veered from a customer outcome
Accident: A typo, math error, etc.
Critical: A problem that must be resolved because of business, legal or customer risk
Kudos: praise or gratitude
SQUACK is a deceptively simple feedback framework that teams like Google, T-Mobile, Uber and Microsoft use to increase their team engagement. It was originally developed by Julie Jensen and she has a ton more info and a book that goes into more detail. You can check it out here.
I really like it because it is helps me organize my thoughts before I deliver them and it integrates customer-centeredness, a typical outcome design and product teams are driving toward.
A real example from my work
Last week, I received this chat message from a key stakeholder after a tense working session I am leading.
Original Message: “Good to zoom out but I think we need we need to nail the step by step of the process?”
Here is the internal dialogue I started having:
Is this a Suggestion (S)? Are you suggesting we stop the zoomed out view and instead get into the details? That changes how I am going to design and facilitate tomorrow’s session
is this a Question (Q)? Are you unsure if we need to zoom out or focus on the details? Because you said the word “I think”…and there is a question mark. Do you need help answering that question and my perspective on it and more rationale? Should I schedule a meeting to talk about it?
Is this a User Signal (U)? We have an internal customer and I know they are looking for this new process to be implemented by end of May. Do they need the step by step as a deliverable based on our earlier research? Shit, did I misinterpret the research?
is this Critical (C)? Is this a a make-or-break request because it puts our company at risk? I know I am missing some context and now I am feeling less confident... Are you saying we must focus on the step by step and we don’t have the luxury of zooming out? Maybe because of a promise we made to an executive? are we hemorrhaging cash somewhere and good is better than perfect so let’s get on with it and focus on the details?
is this a Kudos (K): Did you like that we zoomed out? Because I saw that we were in the weeds during the meeting and the energy I felt in the room made me think it was helpful…so thank you? maybe? or is this a suggestion…?
And round and round we go.
We misinterpret messages all the time. We copy and paste it to a friend and comment "WTF." We can’t sleep thinking about the comment. We ask ourselves:"Did I mess up in today’s meeting?"
Of course, asking for a friend…
Instead, this is what my stakeholder could have written me in shorthand to bring clarity to his feedback message
New Message(s):
“S: can we get into the details tomorrow?
Q: what’s the purpose of the zoom out?
U: their pain point can’t be addressed at the zoom out level, we have tried it before
C: we need the step by step by May 6 - our original scope of work promise
K: The zoom out got me thinking different, thanks.”
Much clearer, nuanced feedback. If we had the SQUACK framework, we could have gotten there a lot faster.
How to implement it with your team:
Introduce the framework to your team at the end of your next meeting (copy and paste the SQUACK framework above + send them the original website)
You model the behavior first (in a Slack message, during a Teams meeting, in a Word comment, etc.)
Watch your team start to adopt it
Ask your team for feedback on trying the framework using…I think you get it.
Q: Will you try it this week?
S: Can you let me know how it goes?
U: Your team needs this level of clarity
K: Thanks for reading this far :)
#14: The unlikely question that shifts a team into action
I am obsessed with this one question to get teams out of their funk and into radical action.
So many teams are waiting to get started.
Have you ever found yourselves caught in the endless loop of waiting?
Waiting for executive buy-in
Waiting for engineering support
Waiting for the meeting next week
Waiting for the new hire to start next month.
Meanwhile, the to-do list keeps growing, Slack messages pile up, and every task seems like an uphill battle.
But what if it didn't have to be this way?
The one question
Ask this question to get them into action
What would {this} look like if it were easy?
{this} could be anything:
managing a reduced budget for a product launch
working with that annoying teammate
preparation for the executive shareout
my overwhelming task list
Inspired by Tim Ferris' wisdom in "Tools of Titans," this question has become my mantra. Just saying it aloud can feel like a weight lifting from your shoulders.
Fun fact about David: I kickstart my day with mindfulness readings, including excerpts from this book.
Try the Easy path first. The hard one will always be there
Let me share a recent breakthrough using this powerful question.
Context: I am working on a complex organizational change project with a Fortune 500 company to bring two internal teams to work closer together. There is so much tension between the groups that my sponsor told me “not to even get close to that team” because of all the dysfunction.
At first, we tried to write our own scope of work, have "alignment meetings" with senior stakeholders and other activities that were really hard and time consuming.
So, during a recent meeting with the team sponsor I asked: “What would {working with this team} look like if it were easy?”
The atmosphere shifted. Minds sparked. Shoulders relaxed. We stopped being victims to the situation and instead got into radical action.
So, I am joining an already-planned working session with those two teams next week: an easy path to get started.
And if challenges persist? We'll regroup, ask the question again, and pivot as needed. The path of difficulty with exec buy-in and re-allocated budgets will always be an option, but we’ll continue to explore the path of ease first.
From victims to empowered teammates
Beyond problem-solving and action, this question cultivates confidence. It transforms team members from passive victims in the Drama Triangle to empowered collaborators, eager to tackle challenges head-on. And who wouldn't want a team like that?
Let's break free from the cycle of waiting and embrace the power of ease to propel us forward.
Will you try it this week?
#13: How to use the Why/How Ladder to balance strategic and tactical meeting goals
I'm excited to share a visual model and set of strategic questions designed to ensure that all participants in your meeting are engaging at the optimal "conversation altitude" for maximum productivity.
Ever found yourself in a meeting where someone discusses concepts at such a high level that you're left wondering, "What the hell are we even talking about here?"
Or perhaps you've entered a meeting expecting strategic discussion, only to get bogged down in task management and logistics.
We have a “meeting altitude” issue.
Remember the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears? One bed was too small, one was too big, and one was just right. Similarly, our discussions can misalign: they're either too abstract and lofty, or too concrete and focused on minutiae. Your role as a facilitator is to navigate to the 'just right' altitude.
Achieving the right conversational altitude yields significant rewards: an aligned and engaged audience with clear directives.
Unfortunately, many meetings miss this mark. Here are three risks of failing to align meeting altitude:
Inefficient Use of Time: When participants operate at different levels, discussions can stray off-topic, extending the meeting duration without productive outcomes.
Increased Errors: Lack of alignment can lead to misunderstandings, resulting in decisions that don't fully address the core issues, potentially leading to further complications.
Reduced Participation: If team members perceive meetings as unproductive or feel their contributions are undervalued, they may withdraw and participate less over time.
Most meeting leaders don’t clarify their desired meeting altitude
There are other reasons why meeting leaders fail at solving the “meeting altitude” dilemma
They don’t define in advance what altitude they need the conversation
They lack awareness that the problem exists in the moment
They don’t have a good visual model to help them navigate the complex dynamic
They don’t have powerful questions to instantly change the dynamic in the room
Abstract, big picture thinkers can get frustrated because others are too in the weeds
Concrete tactical thinkers can get frustrated because others are too pie in the sky and are confused by the jargon.
Luckily, there is a way to solve for this. Enter the Why/How ladder.
Use the Why/How Ladder to solve it
Imagine the rungs of a ladder. Higher levels of the ladder are more abstract. Lower levels of the ladder are more concrete.
Ask Why-type questions to go up levels of the ladder to abstract Needs, Opportunities and Outcomes
Ask How-type question to go down the levels of the ladders to concrete Solutions, Ideas and Experiments
Let’s explore this further with a concrete example:
The Why/How Ladder
Step 1: Define your Levels and at what altitude you want the conversation
Last year, I was working with a product team that was looking to design a new electric vehicle (EV) charging experience for car drivers.
Let's look at this EV experience through our ladder analogy.
We had 6 different levels of conversations, meetings and workshops. The higher the level the more abstract. The lower the level, the more concrete. Here they are:
Level 6: Grow our revenue in an adjacent market (Business Outcome)
Level 5: Make the 30 min I now have to wait to charge my car valuable (Customer Outcome)
Level 4: Redesign the electric vehicle charging experience (Opportunity)
Level 3: Coffee delivery to drivers (Solution)
Level 2: Integrate coffee delivery to our Convenience store App (Experiment)
Level 1: use exiting API (Implementation)
Many of the meetings I led were derailed because some of the engineers that came were ready for Level 1 conversations while our product strategist was talking at Level 4.
Very different conversations, language and activities at different levels.
Start by clearly defining the levels at which you'll engage and agreeing on the conversation's altitude.
This ladder idea isn’t a new concept. The Luma Institute talks about Abstract Laddering. My example above aligns closer to Teresa Torres’ Opportunity Solution Trees. Both great resources to dig into more deeply!
Step 2: Use the Why/How ladder framework
Ask Why-type questions to go up levels of the ladder to abstract Needs, Opportunities and Outcomes.
Ask How-type question to go down the levels of the ladders to concrete Solutions, Ideas and Experiments.
Going Up the ladder:
Using our previous example, if someone shouts out “We should deliver coffee to drivers!” (Level 3), you can ask them: Why? They may respond: “Well…we want to redesign the electric vehicle charging experience!” (Level 4)
Going Down the ladder.
Similarly, if someone shouts: “We should deliver coffee to drivers!” (Level 3), you can ask them: How? They may respond: “Well…we could Integrate coffee delivery to our Convenience store App…” (Level 2).
etc. etc.
Step 2a: Use these questions to go up and down the ladder
Literally just saying "Why" or "How" may not be effective. Here are other questions you can use to get at the same concept.
Do you feel like the conversation or content is too in the weeds? Move Up the ladder with Why-type questions:
What makes you say X?
Connect {lower level} to {higher level} for me…
What do you believe to be true about X?
If we had X, what would happen as a result?
Is the conversation or content too abstract? Move down the ladder with How-type questions:
Can you give me an example of X?
How might we do X?
What needs to happen with X to make it a reality?
Step 3: Capture the information to clarify the right level
After you go up and down the ladder, you eventually want to land on a rung of the ladder to make sure you are speaking at the same altitude.
Using our EV example, if the conversation plateaus at things like “Redesign the electric vehicle charging experience” (Level 4), you can write it down and play it back to the team.
Pair this with our discussion moderation technique #3: Synthesize Points and you can say something like “It sounds like we are discussing things at this level 4-type language. Is that right?”
This gets everyone aligned and on the same page.
A simple action you can take
At your next meeting, set a clear altitude goal at the beginning. For instance, decide whether you need high-level strategic discussions or detailed logistical planning.
Practice moving up and down the ladder. Use Why-type questions to explore abstract ideas and How-type questions to get practical solutions.
By consciously practicing these steps, you'll find your meetings more focused, productive, and satisfying. Don’t just meet—conquer your meetings with clarity and purpose!
#10: 6 techniques to manage overtalkers
The dominant personality. The non-listener. The overtalker. We all know this person (or have been this person) who just. won’t. shut. up.
When I lead facilitation trainings, this is the #1 challenging situation that people ask about (#2 is managing senior leaders in the room).
Overtalkers can derail the entire meeting
They can also:
make everyone check-out
make everyone feel frustrated at the facilitator’s lack of control
prevent you from achieving your meeting goal
create an unhealthy dynamic with that teammate
The good news is that there are tactical and strategic techniques to curb the behavior and get the team back on track. Here are 6 that I use the most often either before, during or after a meeting:
6 TECHNIQUES TO MANAGER OVERTALKERS
1. Obtain an agreement on your facilitation role [before]
If I know about strong personalities in advance, I either declare my role in the calendar invite or ask for permission to lead the meeting in the room (or both).
Somebody has to be in charge of driving your meeting outcome. Declare it.
This gives you extra authority for the next 30 or 60 minutes to interrupt, redirect or exhibit behaviors that could seem rude without the agreement, depending on your company’s culture.
2. Interrupt and redirect [during]
This might feel uncomfortable for those that avoid confrontation. The good news? This doesn’t have to be aggressive. Here is a common phrase I use:
“Marcus…marcus…marcus…I love that comment about {synthesize what they just said}. I want to hear from other people in the room to see if they have something to add to your perspective.
Yes, you are interrupting, but since you have an agreement about your role, it can be expected. The phrase does 2 things:
makes the over talker feel heard
establishes a clear intention to where you are taking the conversation
3. Set a timer that audibly goes off [during]
This is a great passive technique. Before the overtalker is starting their soliloquy, shout out something like “3 minutes for comments before we move on” and set a timer that goes off audibly. They will get the hint.
4. Name the risk [during]
The issue isn’t the overtalking. The issue is the result of the overtalking. The risks could be:
not reaching your meeting goals
teammate availability
engagement in the room
here are two examples:
Example 1: “Marcus, let’s pause. Margaret goes on vacation next week and I want to make sure we get their perspective”
Example 2: “Marcus, let’s pause. We have 8 minutes left and I want to make sure we get to a decision on our goal for this week.”
5. Try individual activities [during]
Try discussion moderation techniques like Jot it Down or Small Group Chats to break up the dynamic. You can also use tools like the Parking Lot. We covered these in earlier posts.
6. Ask what is causing the behavior [after]
There is a reason why someone is overtalking and dominating the conversation. They aren’t trying to be an asshole. Something else is usually going on. Here are a few reasons. They:
process better outloud
haven’t had their opinions valued in the past
feel impatient toward the progress of a topic/idea/milestone
feel overly stressed at work or personal life
completely unaware they are doing it
Your job as a facilitative leader is to assume positive intent, get curious and ask them directly to understand. Yup, you.
Here are 3 parts of a phrase I like to use to do this:
Behavior: Name the observable behavior, not generalities
Personal Impact: Let them know what happened to you as a result. This is irrefutable because it happened to you. You aren’t telling them what to do or ganging up on them with the whole group.
Understand: Seek to understand whats going on with them.
Example: “Hey Marcus, do you remember yesterday when I set the timer for 3 minutes and you ended up talking for 8 minutes past it? (behavior). I wanted to let you know that I really struggled in that meeting. I was tasked to drive our goals for the week but we ended up running out of time as a result (personal impact). What’s going on? I’d love to understand so we can improve next week’s meeting. (understand)”
#08: How to prevent unhealthy conflict using the 3 empowerment roles
In this post, I am going to tell you how to prevent unhealthy conflict from occurring during a meeting.
Conflict.
That word alone caused a few of you to panic. You are not alone.
7% of workplace time is spent in conflict
A few other stats:
Conflict management is one of the biggest fears held my new managers
Employees spend 3 hrs per week involved in conflict
Managers spend up to 40% of their time dealing with interpersonal conflict
source: Harvard Business Review
Ugh. There is plenty of conflict that drains our energy and prevents us from doing the best work of our lives. However, not all conflict is bad. Here is what I have learned after facilitating 100s of meetings and workshops:
We crave healthy conflict. We don’t want drama.
conflict (n): an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles.
If you want collaboration and a high performing teams, conflict is inevitable. I would even argue conflict is critical for great work to happen. You want active disagreement and a critique of ideas. You want diverse and opposing opinions on a team to push ideas and concepts further and faster. Here is what you don’t want to feel:
blame or shame
afraid to share something personal affecting our work
like a victim and un-empowered
like we have to overwork to ‘save’ people
like we can’t trust our teammates
Conflict is a huge topic to cover all in one post. I want to share with you how we can overcome these enervating dynamics during a meeting by shifting away from dramatic conversations and shift to empowered moments that leave everyone feeling whole, resilient and connected.
Avoid the drama triangle
One of my favorite visual frameworks to bring awareness to toxic drama is the 3 roles of the Karpman Drama Triangle. Here they are:
Victim: They say “poor me.”
Persecutor: They say “it’s all your fault.”
Rescuer: They say “I can solve it.”
Think about a past meeting you attended.
Can you identify your own behavior in these roles? I sure can.
Let’s look at a drama triangle scenario that can happen during a meeting.
Example:
Victim: “Hey, I didn’t get that Powerpoint slide done for this meeting. I am so sorry. I had no time to do it. I am stressed out. it won’t happen again”
Persecutor: “This isn’t the first time this has happened. We need this today for the leadership meeting. Please don’t have this happen again. It is unacceptable”
Rescuer: “Hey, I can help you. Send it to me. I can get it done right after this call.”
At first glance, this may seem like a good outcome of the conversation. There is a problem, it is surfaced, a little bit of fear was instilled and then a teammate comes in to help so we can get that Powerpoint slide done.
The problem is:
the victim gets their needs met by having others take care of them vs. addressing the underlying issues that caused them to feel like a victim in the first place
the rescuer keeps the victim dependent on them
the persecutor learns that blame and anger is a way to get work done.
A drama triangle occurs when someone takes the role as a victim or a persecutor (Note: these roles can change in a moment's notice). They unknowingly invite others into the drama. Don't fall for it!
There is a better way. The Empowerment Triangle.
Activate the empowerment triangle
Use the 3 roles of the Empowerment Triangle to shift from:
Victim to Creator: Instead of "poor me," they say “I can choose how to respond to life’s challenges.”
Persecutor to Challenger: Instead of "it's all your fault," they say “how can you learn and grow from this situation”
Rescuer to Coach: instead of "I can solve it," they say “I believe we are all resourceful and resilient”
Your job as a facilitator is to prevent people from being a victim or persecutor and to coach everyone to move into the empowerment dynamic.
Let’s see the same example above play out using this new frame:
Victim: “Hey, I didn’t get that PowerPoint slide done for this meeting. I am so sorry. I had no time to do it. I am stressed out. it won’t happen again”
Victim > Creator: “I am noticing that the stress of my newborn is impacting my ability to get my work done. I have a few ideas on how to change it but I can use help”
Persecutor > Challenger: “So sorry to hear that! I know this isn’t the first time this has happened. I wonder if you can talk to HR and the two of you can come back with a new plan on how to reduce the stress while still being able to meet these work deliverables. Are you willing to talk to HR to get the help you need?”
Rescuer > Coach: “I know you are feeling stressed at the moment but you got this! The team is here to support you in this wild journey. At the moment, it sounds like we still need to get this PowerPoint slide done. Let’s co-create a way forward to relieve some of your stress while still making a great leadership presentation. How does that sound?..."
In this example, we have:
prevented someone from being a victim
avoided language that would cause someone to shut down
still addressed the work situation that is needed
created trust with the victim that the team will have their back
co-created a plan together, in the moment.
understood the root cause
sent a signal to the whole team that this is a safe space to share your authentic self so when new issues arise, you can share.
How can you shift you and your team from the drama to empowerment triangle?
#07: 5 techniques to discuss things right
In my first newsletter, I talked about 5 ways to discuss the right things during meetings to take the lead, surface issues quickly and drive the gathering forward. These were strategies like leading with a POV, surfacing surprises and tensions and asking ‘what’ questions on the content of the discussion.
Today, we get into the detailed tactics to activate these strategies by discussing things right.
Constructive conversations don’t happen just because you have a good discussion strategy.
You must pair it with the right tactics depending on the activity, size of group and personality dynamics.
Once you have the right things to discuss, here are the 5 most common discussion moderation techniques to discuss things right.
5 TECHNIQUES TO DISCUSS THINGS RIGHT
1. Jot it Down
What is it: Ask individuals to silently write down the answer to a question you ask the group before discussing.
Benefits: Having solo time to think before sharing respects different personality types and ensures voices are heard. This technique can also start to calm the anxiety of speaking during meetings. Did you know that the fear of public speaking is the most common phobia ahead of death, spiders, or heights according to the National Social Anxiety Center?
When to use it: When everyone is talking at each other or with a quite group.
Risks: Lack of clarity on where participants are capturing data or not having the right tool set up in advance.
Tips: Tell people you are going to ask them to share back in the full group to drive accountability. Use the chat functionality during virtual meetings.
2. Small Group Chat
What is it: Allowing groups of 2-4 people to discuss a topic before coming back to the larger group
Benefit: Enabling a virtual or in-person breakout room prevents dominating personalities from taking over a discussion and encourages quieter voices to be heard. It also shifts the dynamic of the meeting and discussion to keep engagement high.
When to use it: When you are facilitating a group of 5+ people
Risks: Participants not driving toward the discussion goal without local facilitation. Technology risks with breakout room issues and management
Tips: Assign a breakout group timekeeper and scribe to de-risk the conversation. Don’t make the breakout longer than 10 minutes without visual aids and activities.
3. Full Group Chat
What is it: Moderating a synchronous discussion with the full team
Benefit: To ensure the whole team is hearing the same information.
When to use it: After a Local Group chat or after digesting information to drive a Flare, Explore or Focus conversation.
Risks: Dominating personalities and derailed conversations that aren’t driving toward your discussion goal
Tips: Dominating personality: Set expectations for the amount of time you want someone to talk (e.g. “John, 60 seconds on the clock for your perspective”) and set a timer that is audible.
Derailed conversations: Push the participant to connect what they are saying back to the discussion goal (e.g. “Amir, you mentioned a frustration with our business partners. Connect that point back to our conversation on our Q3 roadmap.”)
4. Direct Ask
What is it: Calling on someone directly for their perspective
Benefit: As a facilitator, It gives you control on whose perspective you want to hear and it gives a nudge to stay focused (uh oh - what if they call on me!)
When to use it: When nobody is sharing, you want to connect a Small Group Chat to the Full Group Chat, or you want to give space to quieter voices
Risks: You push an anxious public speaker from uncomfortable to panic attack.
Tips: Use this in combination with Jot it Down. If someone has time to process a question and write down the answer, it can alleviate some of the fear since all they have to do is read what they wrote. Also, wait 7 seconds until calling on someone. It will be uncomfortable for you but it gives space to your group to process and think about the answer to your question.
5. The Boomerang
What is it: Pushing the question directed at you back to the group.
Benefit: If you feel stumped, it allows you collect your thoughts or it gives a chance for others to respond before you give your perspective
When to use it: When you feel like your perspective on a discussion topic may bias the group or if you are frozen and don’t know how to answer the question.
Risks: If the team really needs a question answered and they sense that you are avoiding answering it
Tips: Use in combination with any of the other 4 techniques! Get everyone to jot down their perspective, call on someone directly or open it up to a small or large group discussion. Use it sparingly! Remember, leading with a strong POV can help drive discussions too.
#01: How to discuss the right things during meetings
I am going to tell you 5 discussion moderation tips to use at your next meeting or workshop to ensure you are driving toward your discussion goal
We have all been in meetings or workshops where things are spinning, a loud voice derails the direction, things are left unsaid or we just aren’t sure what direction to go. A skilled facilitator knows how to take the lead, surface the issues quickly and drive the gathering forward.
Unfortunately, many meetings are ineffective because the meeting leader doesn’t know how to have effective conversations at the moment.
You don’t have to have the right answer to lead a conversation.
I find this is the #1 reason people fail to lead effective group conversations. Here are a few others:
Words that cause defensiveness or fear in the group
Time-crunched because discussion time is not designed into the agenda
Lack of a strong POV when appropriate
Afraid to be wrong when declaring a POV
5 DISCUSSION MODERATION TECHNIQUES
#1: Ask ‘WHAT’ Questions
Asking great questions is the core of great discussion moderation. Stop asking WHY, Avoid HOW and start asking WHAT questions.
HOW can feel like solutioning
WHY can feel like judgement
WHAT can feel like curiosity
Let’s take an example. Let’s say you are sensing some hesitation from your team with the current Q4 product roadmap but aren’t quite sure what is going on.
(1) HOW = Solutioning
“How should we deal with the current product roadmap?”
My hunch is that you and the team are going to jump into solutions. This is great for brainstorming, but isn’t going to help you and team understand the larger hesitation and needs of the group. We need to understand needs before getting into solutions.
(2) WHY = Judgement
“Why are you nervous about the product roadmap?”
My guess is that you felt a twinge of judgement. Starting questions with WHY can evoke this pressure, and can even lead to a feeling of blame or shame. As designers and strategists we are taught the maxim of asking “5 Why’s” to better understand a problem. This can work when the energy is directed toward an idea, not a person. We get to the WHY by asking WHAT.
(3) WHAT = Curiosity
“What makes you nervous about the upcoming product roadmap?”
It naturally evokes a sense of curiosity. It creates a safe container for your group to freely share without judgment or the need to have the right solution.
#2: Surface Surprises and Tensions
It is your job as a facilitator to make the invisible, visible by verbally stating when you sense a potential surprising or opposing point of view in the group.
The key word there is potential. It isn’t about being right or wrong but using your intuition to present the potential conflict to the group. If there is no surprise or tension, great, move on. But, if so, your team will be grateful that you led by example and spoke up. It permits your team to do the same.
Examples:
“I am sensing this delivery date is unrealistic. Is there anyone else who feels the same?”
“Hold on. At the start of the meeting, I heard that we did not want to focus on video content. Now, I am hearing the opposite. What’s changed?”
#3: Synthesize Points
While surfacing surprises and tensions exposes different perspectives, synthesis helps with grouping likes with likes.
Make sure to capture the synthesized points visually so everyone can see them. Remember, the goal of your discussion is to drive toward clarity, and visualizing the converged thoughts helps achieve that goal.
Some examples in practice:
“So far, I have heard that the two biggest barriers to achieving our Q2 results are the upcoming annual conference and lack of leadership support.”
Or
“Let’s look at our digital whiteboard, I moved the 3 key results that seem to be getting the most energy to the top of the page. Did I get these right?”
#4: Lead with a POV
During discussions, sometimes there can be lots of conversations and not many decisions. It is great to surface the tensions and synthesize points. If the team isn’t getting where you want them to go, don’t be afraid to lead with a POV.
We like to say “Strong opinions, loosely held.” It isn’t about being right but making a declaration for the team to react to. This can be both on the content of the discussion as well as the time management of the meeting.
Examples:
“Based on what I am hearing, this is what we should do: We focus our 3rd Key Result for 75% adoption. I think this stretches the team just enough this quarter while being realistic about what we can achieve.”
OR
“I am calling a pause. It’s time to move on to our second concept for review.”
As a facilitator, you are leading the working session. Take charge. Be bold.
#5: Parking Lot
Sometimes you just need to stop a conversation or point that it is derailing the conversation or not relevant to the discussion goal. This is when you evoke the Parking Lot
Some examples are:
“I love that idea of starting a social media campaign. That is out of scope for Q2. Let’s put it in the parking lot until we do Q3 planning”
“[politely interrupts a conversation] love the excitement and energy of the two of you; however, can we put that topic in the parking lot and get back to discussing our Q2 objectives?”
What technique can you try at your next meeting?
What topics do you wrestle with when leading effective meetings or workshops?
I’d love to hear from you.